Momentous

The last year has been pretty tough… It might be up there as one of the toughest of my life thus far. Hence, the pregnant gap in blog posts. I’ve been struggling with my diagnosis pretty hard for the past 18 months or so, and probably will be for the next several years… Slash, the rest of my life… short of a miraculous healing. Any who,  this last year has been full of ups and downs, but mostly downs. Which has sucked.

Aside from the massive physical impact this is turning out to have, it’s also been quite the whirlwind emotionally. And the struggle has definitely been tipping over into the emotional side of the spectrum recently- to the point where I had cried myself empty of tears and left numb to feeling any emotional extremities- whether happy or sad. This has been where the majority of my energy has been spent over these last few months.  So I’ve not been able to invest enough time or effort in much else. All in all, this left me feeling hopeless, directionless, and like a failure.

Notice the use of my past-tense form there? Something happened recently which has transformed my outlook on life. See, spiritually, I have a knowledge and a hope in God and His constant provision for me. But, to me, that is very separate from my feelings- which are at the mercy of the whims of this world, which inevitably will change.

However, this was all academic to me, and I was fed up with not enjoying anything at all- so I made an executive decision to change that. At this point, I knew it wasn’t what I was “supposed” to do, but as I said, I was just so numb I couldn’t care- I thought a really bad feeling was better than no feeling at all. Now, this wasn’t a rash decision either, I had thought and prayed about this a lot leading up to the execution. However, nothing had happened to deter me from my plans, so I started to carry them out.

This is the awesome part. Things started to go wrong… Unpredictably so- but I kept pushing though, ignoring. Evidently, this wasn’t what I was supposed to do- and at the very last minute, God physically and  practically moved in me. I know this is the case because it wasn’t just me. “Something in my stomach’s telling me so” was what it was put down to- but I knew what it really was. I then was flooded with, what I now know was, feelings… it must have been a while since I’d experienced that, because I didn’t recognise them! I couldn’t stop smiling. It turned out God was always there with me, but because my feelings were so messed up, I just forgot. But I now know that He’s here with me. No matter my circumstances, and when my feelngs inevitably change, this knowledge isn’t going anywhere. So good.

But I want to remember EXACTLY what I’ve got now. So that, if things go downhill for me again, I’ll have a little reminder. I’ve told a few friends about my ordeal already, and each time, was told to write it down. But, yet another hurdle has come my way, and I’m now unable to handwrite words in succession…. which comes in handy when writing a sentence…. or, like, 30. So, typing’s become my bag. Beside, it’s fun to blog, and perhaps I can encourage other people who are going through shit too.